(TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL VIOLENCE)
I was reading over my diary– a relic I’ve had since the 6th grade– and as a college freshman, I thought it would be interesting to read through what happened to me in late November of every year since 10th grade. I would go back earlier, but I didn’t write for November at all from 6th-9th, so we’re stuck with this.
I’m going to keep it exactly how it’s written in my journal– unexplained typos, poor punctuation, and all. If anything is bolded, it’s my present day Eloise commentary. I’ll probably use it for clarification and contextualization.
I was originally going to end it with a hypothetical entry that would be today’s, but I’d rather just leave it as is. There’s plenty of substance, and I don’t want to feed people the answers and analysis.
The photo I featured is from the “memorabilia” pocket I have in the back of my journal where I keep old pictures, tickets, and stickers that are important to me. That one was taken by me on a $10 disposable camera a few days before my 15th birthday. It features Rebecca and Dalia, whom are mentioned in the entries below.
In this first entry, I’m 14.
November 22, 2015
2 days ago Eray and I decided to “hang out”. He took me to dinner and we went to his place. God I love him. We decided to make it official again. He’s my boyfriend….
It’s only been 15 days since our first kiss but he really wants to rush things. I try to tell him to stop but he makes me feel guilty and says that he feels taken advantage of. That kind of was a turn off… I wasn’t wet after that.
He’s so fragile and I don’t want to break him so I sorta had sex with him. I’m not even sure if it went in tbh [to be honest] because I wasn’t horny by then so it hurt. Really bad. Ouch.
We’re gonna hang today, I hope I’m more turned on, but only if he doesn’t force me. It’s a natural thing that has to happen, it’s not the same forced. I love him– he’s amazing, but I don’t want to go as fast as he does.
It’s not like I don’t see myself having sex with him, I just didn’t want it to happen 13 days after our FIRST KISS. I wanted to stay pure for as long as I could, but with him I don’t think I will be for much longer
November 22, 2016
Do I just like forget to finish? I said I would then didn’t [I’d been writing entries in my journal and ending them abruptly in the middle of a sentence, so I’m referencing my incomplete work]. Paul and I have been together for over 8 months! I love him I do, but he has his problems. He feels like he has to compete with me. I do better in math & journalism & science & he’s jealous. I don’t blame him for it though bc [because] if it were him I would be jealous too. Thats the thing though, I do get jealous but I suck it up and realize that he deserves it and am proud for him. He struggles to do the same for me.
Anyway, Dalia is really fucking annoying. Too lazy to explain why– future me will prob [probably] remember. [I don’t, actually]
I wanna talk about Anna. [Anna was one of my best friends in middle and early high school, but we’d grown apart junior year] She is the leader of her new girl group and I can tell she likes it. Paul asked me who wouldn’t. I guess that’s true.
It’s interesting though, because she used to not be like that. A leader of the group I mean. Those girls would follow Anna off a pier and she likes the control. When it was Rebecca [my best friend in this whole world], Carly, Chase, Anna and I [this was my friend group in middle and early high school], we all led conversations equally & we all were leaders since we showed those charismatic qualities. No offense, but Helen, Beatrice, Terry etc. don’t have those skills. Anna does therefore they follow Anna.
I saw those 4 (minus Beatrice, so 3) at the burger joint today after I angrily left the music room (that’s where I excersize control) [the music room of our school was where my new friend group and me hung out the most. I probably got mad at one of my friends and stormed off] and Anna barely said anything [when I was with her and her new girl group at the burger joint], I was obviously leading the conversation. There’s two reasons that could be why she didn’t– one is the self conscious me speaking, the other the confident me:
Self conscious me:
-they all find me weird & annoying and didn’t want to speak
-Anna doesn’t like me
-I was making everyone uncomfy
-Did I mention Paul too much?
-no one gets my humour
-Do I talk about myself too much?
-Anna didn’t feel like she had control
-I led the convo & Anna felt like she couldn’t join
-Helen finds me funny!
Maybe it’s something in between? Either way, no matter what the reason I could tell Anna didn’t want me there. Oh well. I love my bebe! [my pet name for Paul at the time]
November 16, 2017
We’re still trying to work the whole “Private school” thing out. [I had to change schools senior year because I couldn’t afford my preppy, posh, private school anymore, so this was a few months into my new public school. Back then my parents were still trying to get me back into my old school. Also why did I put private school in quotes?] Anyway, Paul appreciates me a lot more now that we’re apart geographically. Good. Asshole.
Now the meat of it all. A couple days back I had a dream about Josh & he’s been on my mind since. AAAGGHHHH!!
I want him. So. FUCKING. BAAADDD(ly)
[Josh was my ACT tutor who was much too old for my 16 year old self]
I know I look 12 & act 14 so there’s no way he could be in any way into me, but a girl can dream. (And dream I do)
I want someone as intelligent & interesting as him.
Joshua Henry Jameson… *Dreamy sigh*
He hasn’t at all changed since HS [high school] it’s funny. Same word vomit & self deprecating humor. [I’d very much stalked him online, and found his senior yearbook quote]
Either way, I know this is a passing fad. I’ll take my mother’s advice [yes, mom, some of the things you say stick]
“Remember how you feel right now so you can channel it when you need it most”
I’m going to try to remember all of it. Every last feeling.
PS Also I love Dalia now. She’s good in small doses. We hang out when she comes to NY from college. I might visit her soon!