I Don’t Have a Crush on Him

Raza is sleeping right next to me as I type. Tonight, Cameron, Raza, and I decided on a sleepover, so I get the comfy red couch, Raza gets the foldout black futon, and Cameron gets to cozy up in his bed. I hate admitting this, but I turned the brightness all the way up on my computer for a second, and turned the light towards Raza’s face, to see what he looked like all sweet and cocooned under the covers.

Don’t get this mixed up, though. I do not have feelings for him.

I talked about him in my last blog post, and how our growing friendship emotionally confused me, but I came to the conclusion that those feelings weren’t real. They weren’t real then, and they aren’t real now. I just find the position he’s in at the moment rather endearing, and since I’ve been upset with him lately, I need a reminder why I still keep him around as a friend.

Ever since he got back with his girlfriend, Monica, from back home, he’s been distancing himself from me. He’s always either on a phone call talking to her, or texting her. It’s almost as though she has absolutely no life. I guess that would mean he doesn’t have a life either. Is that why I don’t want them together? I suppose that answer would make sense. I don’t like them together because he takes up so much of her time and that’s time he could be dedicating to his homework and getting his grades up. A little over a month ago he had so much motivation to get his shit together, and now it seems like he’s satisfied with where he’s at.

There’s nothing wrong with him being happy and satisfied with where he’s at– obviously I care about Raza’s happiness and wellbeing. I just know that she’s the reason he doesn’t feel the need to pay attention to things he was so engaged in just a month before, and why would anyone want to be with someone who de-motivates them? It just doesn’t make sense. He should make his world more well-rounded so that he doesn’t depend on her so much. Depending on someone is never good.

Also, just a month ago, while they were still broken up, he called her and she said she didn’t love him anymore. Why would you take someone back who told you they don’t even love you anymore? That seems absurd. Maybe she was confused when she said it, but he was so so hurt by it. I watched him sob over her. I know I would never want to be with anyone who hurt me like that, so it’s just not fair to himself to be putting his heart on the line like that again. What if she breaks it for the second time?

What if she doesn’t? What if they stay together for the rest of their lives. 19 and already wearing figurative wedding rings. They’re just teenagers. They shouldn’t have their future decided already. Raza should be keeping his options open in case someone better comes along. Maybe he’d find someone who doesn’t hurt him, who listens to him, who makes him a better person, who jokes with him, who is excited to hear about new projects he’s starting, and who he can grow with. Monica never was that for him and she still isn’t. He’s in love with being comfortable. It’s not fair.

It’s not fair to him, is what I mean, in case you got confused. I only care so much because I’ve seen him grow a lot, and watching him move backwards is difficult. I just like sneaking glances at him huddled under the blankets on the black futon because I know he’s not waiting on her. He’s not waiting for her text back, or her phone calls, or her love. Time doesn’t wait, so while he’s sleeping he has no choice to move forward without her.

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