“He’s not a bad person, but he’s also not a good one. I think he tries too hard to seem mysterious and deep, but at the end of the day, he only thinks about himself. Also he’s just selfish and uncaring of other people. He’s good at making you think he cares, but he has no problem dipping whenever he wants. That’s the signs of a shitty dude. And I’m just pissed that you did so much for him and he’s doing this”
I’ve been trying to write something about flawed characters: an exercise in creative writing and character building. So– in that spirit– I’m going to try to post something every single day about people in my life to hopefully find some sort of greater truth about myself and my style of writing. Perhaps I’ll come out with a coherent narrative of something. Hopefully, a story worth telling.
Back to the quote, that paragraph was a la my closest girl friend in college, Nadine. It was on Raza and his horrible behavior to me recently. Raza and I have spent the past couple of months deepening our friendship and last Friday he rekindled his relationship with a girl from his hometown, Monica. I’ll spare you all the details of their on-again-off-again debacle, but I will say that I was there for him the whole time. I watched him get his heart broken, then be manipulated by, cry over, and get back together with her. That’s teenage love, I suppose.
Normal friends– after romantic fiascos– stick together when things boil over. You’d think the lesson for Raza would be that relationships are unpredictable, but friendships are forever. I would have assumed that he learned that he had friends that loved and cared about him no matter what, and that keeping those people in his life is important. Why does my naivety never fail to amuse me? I had hoped that we’d just grab coffee one day and laugh about how silly and melodramatic we once were. Instead, Raza decided that once he had Monica he simply didn’t need me anymore. He just cut me off.
I don’t think it’s on purpose. I’m almost certain it isn’t. Funny enough, part of me wishes that it was. That would mean he, to a certain extent, cared about me enough to make that kind of decision. The fact that this almost definitely isn’t a conscious choice shows how little value he gives to my thoughts and friendship. He just can’t be bothered to put my feelings into his mind because he’s reserved that spot for someone else. It really hurts. How stupid of me to waste so much energy into him. Nadine was right. He’s just shitty.
I was talking to Raza’s best friend Cameron about this, and he told me that Monica and him have been on-again-off-again for a while, and so Raza will probably come running back to me when they’re off.
I refuse to be someone simply at his disposal. My friendship isn’t a light switch, and honestly I’m over being in his life only when he needs me to be. I’ve been so blinded by my optimism. It’s because I keep hoping he’ll change into the person I think he’s capable of becoming. I ignore how he’s always treated my place in his life as some sort of medal of honor. My getting access to a vulnerable side of him is a prize to be won. He acts like I do it for a reward. I do it because I care. That’s the fake deep Nadine was referring to– his pretentious, elitist, entitled demeanor. He isn’t self-aware enough to admit this, but he expects me to put him first. This is my story, and in it I’m the main character, asshole.