a blog post I never published from September 23 about my depression, my now ex-boyfriend, and my best friend in college
Lately, there’s been this emptiness that’s been creeping up on me. It’s familiar. It reminds me of senior year of high school and the nights I spent still, staring at the ceiling feeling nothing for hours. Breathing is hard. My breaths feel long and intentional. When I exhale it feels as though my insides are quivering. Anxiety? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I don’t want to self-diagnose. What if I stopped breathing. I shouldn’t think like that.
I have a boyfriend. We’ve been officially dating for a little over two weeks. He likes me. I think. I don’t know why. He calls me beautiful and wraps his arms tightly around me when we go to sleep. I’m lucky to have a boy who calls me beautiful. I don’t think I’m beautiful. I’m waiting for the day he realizes I’m not and leaves me for someone who is beautiful. He is so confident and I admire that. He doesn’t care about what other people think of him and he probably wants someone in his life who thinks the same. That’s not me. Why can’t it be me? Why do I have to be like this? What’s wrong with me?
I feel like I’m upsetting everybody I care about. I feel like I can’t talk to anybody because they won’t like me anymore. I’m so unlikable. Why am I so goddamn unlikable? Why can’t I be like everyone else. I’m such a horrible person. I genuinely feel like I am a bad person. I just want to hide and disappear and I want to talk someone but I also don’t want to burden anybody and I think I should get a therapist but I don’t know where to get one and I should go to the psychiatrist on campus but I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to do my work and go to class and hide from everybody I know. Because that way I don’t have to confront the fact that I’m a horrible person that nobody likes. If I hide no one will have to see me and pretend they want to talk to me. I have nothing to talk about anymore. My boyfriend likes how I am so good at conversations, but conversations have been draining me lately. I don’t want to think about what to say next. That’s what James told me today; he feels the same way. I told my good friend Nadine that I talked to James today and that he was nice but she got mad at me because James was a bad, horrible, creepy person to her and she got mad that I believed his lies and I felt horrible and guilty and absolutely incredibly awful for upsetting her like I did. I didn’t realize he’d done anything bad. When I was talking to James it felt nice that he could relate to me. Maybe I’m just as horrible as Nadine thinks he is. Charlie will realize this and leave me and that’s okay. I’m just ready to disappear now.