I met Meredith once before last year during a party my (now) ex-boyfriend Charlie was throwing. Considering I was four shots in when we introduced ourselves, she didn’t leave much of an impression at the time. I heard from a couple of people after the fact– Charlie included– that she was pretty awkward and left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. She tried to hard to fit in, they said, and she was mean and didn’t get anyone’s sarcasm.Read more
So, it’s been a minute. A lot has happened since October, and normally I frequent this hub more, but I’ve accumulated a lot of starts-of-blogs and not a lot of ends. There’s definitely a lot of boy drama happening in my life once again, and I lost my friends once again, and I also am homeless once again– all of which are important social contexts to consider– but I figured if I just word vomit on the page and post whatever comes to mind, I’ll feel less pressured to make my endings perfect.
a blog post I never published from September 23 about my depression, my now ex-boyfriend, and my best friend in college
Lately, there’s been this emptiness that’s been creeping up on me. It’s familiar. It reminds me of senior year of high school and the nights I spent still, staring at the ceiling feeling nothing for hours. Breathing is hard. My breaths feel long and intentional. When I exhale it feels as though my insides are quivering. Anxiety? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I don’t want to self-diagnose. What if I stopped breathing. I shouldn’t think like that.
It’s over. Officially. The pretty boy whom I blogged about sitting two tables away from me in first semester psych one year ago pursued me for five months, dated me for nearly two, and broke up with me yesterday.
Six hours into our second date, I was exactly where I wanted to be with the cute junior pre-med student I’d been fantasizing about for months. We’d just finished our post-comedy show dinner at a 24 hour diner and had walked back to the parking lot to find his car (Featured image is my date night outfit). The meal had gone perfectly in every way I would have liked: we played off of each other jokes well, switched naturally from conversation topic to conversation topic, and felt hours go by like minutes as we sat across from each other. Although we’d been chatting nonstop over breakfast foods, when we strapped ourselves into our respective seats, we were silent.
I fully intended on leaving this date with a kiss, and I had to leave the right cues.
He handed me his phone to route Google Maps back to my hotel. I clicked the power button to open it.
My feelings for my boyfriend have absolutely perished. Currently, I’m at the airport waiting to board my flight back home to New York after a successful freshman year of college, and I’m arguing with my boyfriend, Marlowe, about something that happened last night. Actually, calling it “arguing” would be a stretch considering I give no f*cks about the conversation he’s trying to have with me. He’s essentially been talking at me for the past 2 hours in absurdly long paragraphs.
When it comes to men, I’ve always had a knack for one-sided relationships. Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in has been a product of an intense crush they’ve had on me that I’ve felt too guilty to reject. It’s a cyclical thing that’s always happened like this:
Don’t be Eloise. Eloise is stupid and makes impulsive choices that she doesn’t think about the consequences for. Kissing boys is fine. It is innocent, it happens, and it especially happens in college. The reason I’m severely advising against being Eloise is because I made the fatal mistake of kissing my computer science TA.
“He’s not a bad person, but he’s also not a good one. I think he tries too hard to seem mysterious and deep, but at the end of the day, he only thinks about himself. Also he’s just selfish and uncaring of other people. He’s good at making you think he cares, but he has no problem dipping whenever he wants. That’s the signs of a shitty dude. And I’m just pissed that you did so much for him and he’s doing this”