So, it’s been a minute. A lot has happened since October, and normally I frequent this hub more, but I’ve accumulated a lot of starts-of-blogs and not a lot of ends. There’s definitely a lot of boy drama happening in my life once again, and I lost my friends once again, and I also am homeless once again– all of which are important social contexts to consider– but I figured if I just word vomit on the page and post whatever comes to mind, I’ll feel less pressured to make my endings perfect.
Imagine you’re making out with a really cute guy. He’s got you in his bed, that Summer Walker song is booming on the speaker, the lights are off, and the mood is just right. All of a sudden, he asks you…
“He’s not a bad person, but he’s also not a good one. I think he tries too hard to seem mysterious and deep, but at the end of the day, he only thinks about himself. Also he’s just selfish and uncaring of other people. He’s good at making you think he cares, but he has no problem dipping whenever he wants. That’s the signs of a shitty dude. And I’m just pissed that you did so much for him and he’s doing this”
There’s this boy that I’d been sleeping with for a while– his name is Raza– and over the past week we’ve gotten really close. An important aspect of our relationship was intimacy, so before I debrief into my self-psychoanalysis, I want to cover the sex (sorry mom and dad).
It wasn’t always the best.
My closest friend Toph and I went on a friend date on Friday. It was sort of an early birthday celebration– really early, because I don’t turn 18 until January– but since Toph is going abroad on a trip with his Middle Eastern studies class during my birth month, we decided to dub it as such. That day was probably the best I’ve had in recent memory, and so I couldn’t help but update my Snapchat and Instagram stories every time we arrived at a new destination to show off its greatness.
In one of the captions, I hashtagged #FRIENDSHIP in big letters across the screen. My friend, Juniper, sent me a private message shortly after that read:
Damn! Friendzoned the shit out of his cute ass!
Sometimes I hate being 17. Correction: most of the time I hate being 17. The only time I ever confidently claim my age is when I’m sucking up to old people who are absolutely impressed by how a 17-year-old youngin’ got her way into college a year before her peers. Besides them, everyone loves to patronize me.
“OMG. You were only nine months old when 9/11 happened?” My roommate, Flower Hussain, brilliantly deduced in front of all of her friends. We were on the top floor of Mellwitt Hall in room 410, and the gathering of girls were blown away at the prospect of a 17-year-old attending their institution.
Taking a break from the long posts I’ve been writing, let’s have some light fun and reminiscing of the good moments I had in my life.
Nicholas Henry Holiday and I would sleep together nearly every night, and I quickly found out that he sleepwalks. There wasn’t a single night we slept together that he didn’t wake me up. I thought I’d share the first time it had ever happened to me.
Right now, I’ve been living in this weird nomadic limbo. I was just recently kicked out of my room in Mellwitt Hall (more like Mellshit, am I right?) by my amazing roommates Lola and Queenie. It’s unfortunate that Lola shares the same nickname as me, and now, knowing how badly I dislike her, I wish my name resembled nothing of her character.
So, I’ve been trying to channel my frustration on the world productively. Here it is, world: a blog.
Background to contextualize my life:
I’m going to try to keep this short because this is the boring part.
My full name is Eloise Kneadly and I’m a 17-year-old freshman (update: I’m 18 now) at a small liberal arts college in the rural Midwest. Perhaps it’s not quite as rural as I describe it, but I’m from the heart of Manhattan in NYC, so my urban nationalism has me half expecting people to pull up to campus in tractors.
My senior year kind of sucked, but that’s for another blog post. To summarize it in 10 words:
changing schools, bad boyfriends, stalking, blackmail, fighting, too much drama
Considering all of that, when I got to college, forgive me for expecting high-school to be over. I thought I was past all of that needless adolescent bickering and on to bigger and better things.
To sort of reinvent the Eloise we’ve all come to know and love, and separate myself into a new, god-like, perfect female, I came up with the name Luna, and decided I would go by that for my new Middle-American life. Luna was to be everything Lola wasn’t (Lola is the nickname my best friends and family call me by): kind, patient, hard-working, a good student, popular. The kind of girl everyone, including me, wants to be. It would be time consuming, but to achieve the sort of infectious popularity I’d seen other girls so effortlessly emit would scratch off a checkbox on my teen-movie fantasy bucket list.
I thought it would be easier to explain if I pretended that Luna was my middle name, but it’s just something I heard, liked, and then claimed. There was this movie that had come out earlier this year with a main character named Luna, and they described her in the trailer as such: LUNA FEELS EVERYTHING.
I severely identified with Luna’s emotional wreckage. It was a way I could still keep some of Lola in my new identity, and I quickly decided to take up this new demeanor.
So this is where I’m going to complain about the first-world hardships Eloise, Lola, and Luna all have to face. Maybe now the world won’t feel so lonely?